Fabula Figetrix: The Bane of My Existence
by Authourinthemaking
Summary: Fanfiction: the bane of my existence! Fanfiction is a wonderful thing, and I thoroughly enjoy reading it. But it simply existing takes so much of my time that I hardly have time to do anything else. (A collection of the best, and worst, parts of fanfiction from the point of view of the Fabula Figetrix.)
1. Chapter 1 OC's

**Chapter 1 OC's**

Fanfiction: the bane of my existence! Fanfiction is a wonderful thing, and I thoroughly enjoy reading it. But it simply existing takes so much of my time that I hardly have time to do anything else.

Its popularity comes in waves, fortunately. And, the subject of the fanfiction often varies. Still those waves are all consuming.

Why is fanfiction such a pain? Well, you see, the town in which I live has a unique…problem, I guess you could say. Books, movies, TV shows—pretty much anything that tells a story—are affected by people's thoughts. When a person thinks up a different ending, or "what if this happened instead…" the story adjusts itself to accommodate for that change.

Fanfiction is essentially doing just that. Changing things about the stories. And, like I said, I love it, and I think it is a wonderful thing. However, when the stories start to change, it becomes a problem.

What does this have to do with me? Well, I am the Fabula Figetrix, and it is my job to fix these stories. I am responsible for getting the stories back to the way they were originally written.

You might think that it wouldn't be so bad if a story actually changed. But if one copy of the story changes, the change will spread like a virus to other copies of that story, and then it can spread to other stories, as well. Then, none of the stories we love and cherish would exist anymore. There would just be a jumbled mess of characters all floating around on the pages of every book, and on the set of every movie or TV show.

That is why Fabula Figtors (female: Figetrix) exist. I am the last of my kind, and so it is my job to keep the stories fixed and on track.

* * *

I was organizing the books on the shelves in the front library of my non-profit book store, when a teenaged boy came in and slapped a book down on the counter. "My sister read this book and now it's got a bunch of romance in it," he complained.

Smiling, I placed the book in my hand on the shelf and walked toward him. I glanced at the book. _Prince Caspian_. "What's wrong with it?" I asked.

"It's all romantic," the teen complained. I smiled.

"Of course it's romantic, it's an adventure story. All adventures have a romantic flair, otherwise there would be no sword fights, or daring heroes," I explained.

"No, I mean there's a kiss, and two people flirting all the time," he countered. "Plus, there's some random character that I'd never heard of before. Her name is Cassie, and she's also in love with one of the characters."

I nodded. "Has your sister been reading or writing fanfiction lately?" I inquired.

"Yeah, why?" he questioned. I sighed.

"I thought so. There's been a lot of people in here lately who have been reading fanfiction, and their books, movies, and TV shows are all wrong." He nodded. "Give me about three days, and I should have it fixed for you." He smiled and thanked me.

Then, he slapped down a twenty-dollar bill. "That is my favorite book, so don't let anything happen to it!" he called. I promised to take good care of it. I put the money away, and then took the book upstairs and laid it on the table beside my couch.

Above the bookstore that only took donations for the books, there was a living room, a kitchen, a bathroom, and one bedroom. This was where I lived.

I walked into the kitchen and fixed myself a cup of hot lemon tea. Matilda climbed up on the counter. I smiled at my mouse companion.

I had found her and her family in the library one day. They had escaped their book just before it was destroyed worldwide. I then, gave them a job in the back library, helping to file books, and make secure copies of each and every story that could not be altered, so that if I didn't know a story well enough, I could reference that story and be guaranteed that it was correct.

Matilda had also gone on a fixing adventure with me. Her first adventure was my first time fixing a movie. _Anne of Green Gables_. I actually ended up having to fix the entire series of movies…but that's another story.

My mouse companion squeaked a hello, and I smiled at her. "I have a new book to fix. Would you like me to read it aloud?" I asked.

"Yes, please!" she exclaimed. (She and all her family were talking mice.)

"I think you'll like this one," I smiled. "It has talking animals in it." She grinned and nodded eagerly. I held out my hand, and she crawled up my arm to my shoulder.

Then, I took the cup of tea and headed for the living room. I made myself comfortable on the couch, took a sip of tea, and then reached for the book. A book with a cup of tea is one of my favorite things.

I took another sip of tea and then set the cup on the table. I called to all the mice, inviting them to come listen. All 75 of them came scampering in. Some climbed up on the couch with Matilda and I, while others made themselves comfortable in various places about the room. Smiling, I opened the book and began reading.

The first paragraph was going great. All was just as should be. However, the second paragraph almost immediately took a detour. It told how the Pevensie children were waiting in a train station for the train that would take them to their separate boarding schools. But then, there was a sentence about another person who sat there. Apparently, she was a good friend of the family, and her name was Cassie.

I guessed this was the Cassie that the boy had spoken of when he brought the book in. I wondered if his sister's name was Cassie, and she had put herself in the story.

A mouse named Matthew remarked that he didn't recall any characters named Cassie, even in passing, in Narnia. I shook my head. "No, you're right, there is no Cassie in Narnia. At least, in the proper story there isn't. Cassie is an added character, probably from some fanfiction story." He nodded.

I continued reading, just to see how much Cassie's presence hand changed things. It didn't change much. They still went to Narnia, they still found Trumpkin the dwarf, and still followed him to Aslan's How.

However, when they met Caspian, I had a feeling things were going to change again. And, sure enough, as time went on, Caspian and Susan began to flirt. I stopped. I couldn't take this anymore. I had to fix it. "Are you ready to jump in?" I asked Matilda. She squeaked an affirmative reply.

I flipped back to the first chapter, to the page where they sat at the train station. I then uttered my word. (All Fabula Figetors have a word that they say that allows them to jump in and out of a story.) "Magnificent!"

I noticed that I was in a 1940's style skirt and blouse. My shoes also matched the time period. I nodded with satisfaction. My clothes had successfully been changed to match the time and style of the story, as usual.

I smiled. I had arrived just before the Pevensies had. Still smiling, I perched myself near a bench and waited for the Pevensies to show up.

They soon came down the stairs. Cassie was following them. I knew how to get rid of her easily. I slipped into the crowd, and just as Cassie lowered her hand, I snatched the ticket out of it. I then slipped into the shadows. She stopped and looked around.

Susan turned and asked what was wrong. She said that she lost her ticket. Lucy turned and helped look for it, as well, but they were not able to find it. "I must have dropped it along the way somewhere," she sighed. "I'll have to go buy another one. Go on without me. I'll just see you at school." With that, she hurried up the steps. I grinned at my success.

Lucy and Susan then ran to catch up with their brothers. I ripped the ticket into pieces and dropped it. Then, I went to sit on a bench a few feet away from the Pevensies. As long as I didn't have any direct contact with them I would be fine. I didn't want to mess up the story and risk getting stuck inside it by interacting with a main character.

Just then, the train seemed to be coming in awfully fast. Lucy commented on the sudden tug she felt, and then everyone else started telling the others to stop pulling them. Edmund said that it was magic and told everyone to grab hands so that they wouldn't get separated.

Shortly, they were in Narnia. As much as I hated the thought of being dragged through the adventure at the rate they were going, and having to listen to Trumpkin tell all about Prince Caspian, I decided it would be easier to judge when to intercept Caspian and Susan's flirting if I could catch it at its first moment, as opposed reading about it. The question was, how was I going to stop them from flirting without directly interacting with either of them, or with any other character that had more than one line of speech?

* * *

Finally, I came to the part where the Pevensies were on their way to meet Prince Caspian. I knew the problem right away. Caspian and the other Narnians had not yet gone to Aslan's How, as they should have. They were still at Dancing Lawn, which meant that they would meet the Pevensies along the way and take them to Aslan's How, as opposed to the Great Lion Himself meeting the Pevensies atop the mound, as He should have. The book in this form appeared to be a lot like the movie. While I liked the movie, I did not want it mixed with the book. Plus, if the book remained like this too long, the "virus" could spread to the rest of the series, and then to other books.

I followed in the shadows as the Pevensies met Prince Caspian in the woods, and then travelled to Aslan's How. I smiled and nodded. My suspicions were confirmed. This would be an easy fix, thank God!

I turned and grinned at Matilda. She smiled in return, knowing how happy I was because it was an easy fix. "Magnificent!" I whispered.

I sat on my couch with Matilda still on my shoulder. I flipped several pages back to when Caspian decides where to gather the Narnian troops I stared at the words for a long moment. There were two ways I could fix this story.

One, I could enter the story and use the adverb form of my word (magnificently) to manipulate Caspian's thoughts so he would be sure to go to Dancing Lawn, and not Aslan's How. But I always felt that this way crossed so many ethical boundaries. None of the characters ever knew that their mind had been changed for them, of course, but I still felt wrong forcing myself into their mind.

Two, I could enter the story, and say we should go to the Dancing Lawn instead of Aslan's How and present the most convincing argument in favor of that that I could. However, that meant that I would become part of the story and risk getting stuck inside. And while I wouldn't mind living in Narnia, I would not be able to return to finish my job, or get any knew fixing jobs.

I sighed. It looked like manipulating Caspian's mind was the best option. But then I wondered, if I might be able to prompt another character to speak up. Maybe Trufflehunter, or Glenstorm might be able to say something to which Caspian would listen. I decided to find the original copy.

I put down the book and hurried to my back library. This library was special because it contained a copy of almost every book, movie, and TV show. But these copies were written in special books, or in stored special disc cases that were made from materials from Consanesere, my home planet. These special covers/cases did not allow people's altering thoughts to enter story, unlike regular book covers and disc cases did.

I scanned the "L" section of the book department until I came to Lewis, C. S.—thank God the mice had helped me organize my library, otherwise I'd never be able to find anything! As soon as I found _Prince Caspian_ I pulled it out.

As I read it, I discovered that it was really Trumpkin's idea to meet at the Dancing Lawn for a feast after Caspian met the rest of the Narnians. I smiled. This was going to be a relatively east fix, for once, and I could even put the idea in his dreams, so it wouldn't be crossing as many boundaries.

I returned to the couch and picked up the book. As I turned to the right page, Matilda scurried up onto my shoulder. "Magnificent," I said aloud. I found myself in Trufflehunter's cave. I smiled and quickly hid in the shadows.

I waited till everyone had gone to sleep and crept over to Trumpkin's mat. "Magnificently," I whispered. I then gently placed a hand on his forehead and pictured a bunch of Narnians, including the Three Bulgy Bears, Pattertwig, the Seven Dwarf Brothers of the Shuddering Woods, and Glenstorm the Centaur, dancing and feasting at Dancing Lawn. I added an image of Trumpkin saying to himself, "This was a good idea to meet here. It is a good way for Caspian to meet all the creatures of Narnia."

Then, I pulled back and smiled. "Magnificent," I whispered. Suddenly, I was on my couch once more with Matilda on my shoulder. She crawled down to my lap and asked to have the book read again. The other mice echoed her request. I smiled and nodded eagerly.

I opened the book to the beginning. "Once there were four children whose names were Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy, and it has been told in another book…" I began. I continued reading, admiring the fact that there was no Cassie, and there was no flirting between Susan and Caspian. In fact, Susan didn't even see Caspian until she was supposed to in the book, which was after the battle and the romp with Aslan.

* * *

A quiet applause from the mice (quiet because their paws are so tiny, not from lack of enthusiasm) sounded when I had finished. I smiled and sighed with relief. I placed the book between my hands. "Magnificently," I whispered. That would protect the book from being changed again for a while.

Then, I got up and went downstairs. I placed in on the bookshelf behind the counter, which held the finished works. The boy would be here for it tomorrow.

The teen boy came in the next afternoon. I smiled at him. "Is my book fixed?" he inquired. Smiling, I turned to find it on the shelf. "As good as new," I replied, laying it on the table. "Thanks!" he responded, slapping down a 20-dollar bill on the counter. He smiled again, and then walked out.

While I didn't charge for my services, or the books in my store, most people liked to give donations when they could. They didn't exactly know how I fixed the books, but they were very glad when I did, so they were often quite generous.

I took the money and placed it in the safe below the counter. Matilda climbed up onto the counter and smiled at me. "Another book fixed, and another citizen happy," she said. I smiled and nodded in satisfaction.

* * *

 **A/N:** "Fabula Figitor" means "Story Fixer" in Latin. (Figetrix is just the female version of Figetor.) **"** Consanesere" is the intransitive verb form, meaning, "to heal" in Latin.


	2. Chapter 2 Crossovers

**Chapter 2 Crossovers**

Ugh! Crossovers are the worst. Don't get me wrong. I love fanfiction in general, and I think the idea of making a character from one story meet a character from another story is brilliant! Sometimes the worlds don't quite mesh, but most times the authour does a fine job of blending the characters into the one world.

However, from a Fabula Figetrix point of view they are the worst because they are super hard to fix! I essentially have to end up fixing two—or three, depending on how many stories were crossed over—stories instead of just one. Oh, well, at least I enjoy my work.

A young woman who looked to be about my age, in her mid-twenties, entered Happy Everendings. I heard the bell from my back library and came to the main library with a smile on my face. She smiled weakly and placed two items on the counter. I knew at that moment that I would be dealing with a crossover, and I groaned inwardly.

Still smiling, I looked down at the items. The first, was a hardback edition of _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_ , and the second was season one of the series _Merlin_ by BBC. I sighed. I had seen this crossover multiple times. I had to say, it was genius. Most times, the young Merlin had entered into Harry Potter's world, but on occasion, Harry, and possibly some other character's did travel to Camelot.

I asked the young woman what the problem seemed to be. "Hermione is nowhere in sight," she began, gesturing toward the book. "And Arthur is becoming more and more appalled by all the displays of magic. He is especially shocked when student after student comes up to Merlin with adoring eyes, begging him to teach them "real magic," as they call it. Merlin complies a couple of times, and needless to say, Arthur is shocked."

I inquired as to whether or not she had been reading or writing any fanfiction lately. She nodded and answered that she had recently written a crossover with these two stories. I smiled and nodded. "Give me a week, and I'll see what I can do," I replied. She thanked me and turned to leave. I sighed. This was going to be a tough one. I was going to have to watch the entire season of _Merlin_ , as well as read the entire _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_. I decided to start with reading the book.

While I was making my usual cup of tea in my kitchen, Matilda found me. I told her the book I was about to read, and she asked if she could listen. I said, "Of course!" Together, we headed to the living room.

I settled on the couch and Matilda crawled up in my lap. I took a sip of my tea, and then began to read out loud. It wasn't long before I found the young woman was right. There was no sign of Hermione. I wondered if that was as a result her story—that she had purposely left Hermione out—or if Hermione had simply gotten lost in the shuffle when the stories merged. I hoped it was not the latter because characters that got lost in the shuffle of merging stores were especially hard to retrieve.

A few chapters after Harry arrived at Hogwarts, Merlin and Arthur showed up. Sure enough, just like the young woman had said, Merlin was greatly admired by the students, and Arthur was shocked at all the magic around him.

I almost laughed. Arthur's freak outs were quite hilarious, though, perhaps, a bit out of character. Finally, I had had enough of the messed up worlds. I laid the book open on my lap. First things first, though. Hermione must be located. I decided to check Camelot. It would be wonderful if she had just gotten sent there. If she had gotten stuck in the void between stories, I could still retrieve her, but it would be a lot more difficult.

Leaving the book open on the couch next to Matilda, I got up and put the popped in the DVD of _Merlin_. Matilda curled up in my lap once again, and other mice soon began to trickle in.

I spotted the difference almost immediately. Hermione was the young adventurer coming to Camelot. I smiled. "Well, that will change things," I mumbled. I decided to watch a little longer and see just how things played out.

Hermione was not made Arthur's servant, in fact Arthur was missing. There was a frantic search going on for the missing prince. Hermione tried to use her magic to help, but even though she was the brightest witch of her age, her magic could not span the worlds. She could not see beyond the confines of the world this story created.

Finally, I managed to find her alone. I sneaked up behind her and gently touched her hand. "Magnificently return to your original story," I whispered.

She slowly began to disappear. I smiled. She was the easy one. The young woman had said that her crossover was Arthur and Merlin visiting Hogwarts, which meant that Merlin and Arthur had been purposely drawn out of their world. Hermione was just collateral damage in this case. I sighed. "Magnificent," I whispered, shortly appearing in my living room once again.

I returned to the book and began reading from the beginning. I smiled approvingly. Hermione came in right where she was supposed to, and did everything just as she should have. Then, came the visit of Merlin and Arthur. I knew I needed to figure out a way to make them not visit. Then, I could worry about finding them and returning them to their own story.

I exited the story and entered at an earlier place. I looked around for a way to prevent their coming. Shortly, I found Dumbledore sending a letter inviting Merlin to visit, adding that he could bring a guest of his choosing with him. I smiled and nodded. This was it. I would intercept Merlin's reply, and then write a reply of my own. As long as I didn't interact directly with any of the main characters, I would be fine, and the story would not recognize me as having been there.

A few days later, an owl carrying Merlin's reply entered the castle. I intercepted him and placed the letter I had written in his beak. Being oblivious to what I had just done, the owl continued to take the letter to Dumbledore.

I watched as the wizard opened the letter. He looked a bit disappointed that Merlin could not come to visit Hogwarts, but a look of understanding crossed his face. Merlin was the greatest warlock to walk the earth, after all. He was a busy man.

I whispered my word, and returned home. I then picked up the book and started at the beginning. There was no mention of Merlin and Arthur coming. In fact, Dumbledore made no mention of it anywhere in the book. I smiled.

Then, I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I knew now that I had to go back into the book and find Merlin and Arthur. I hoped they had not been confused for too long, otherwise they would start to fade into the void between story worlds, and that was not a fun place to visit. It was just that—a complete void—and only Figetors could come and go in it as they pleased. Nothing happened to the characters while there, that is, they were not harmed in any way. They were simply stuck and unable to return to their own story, or to the one from which they had come.

I said my word and found myself on the Hogwarts grounds. I decided to steal a broom so that I would fit in more, as I flew around the world looking for Merlin and Arthur.

Eventually, I found them. I landed the broom. "Magnificently return to where I got you from," I whispered, touching the broom. The broom suddenly disappeared from sight. I smiled, knowing its owner would find it right where he or she left it.

I then approached Arthur from behind. I knew I could sneak up on Arthur more easily because he was in a bit of shock at the little bit of magic he had already witnessed.

I touched his hand lightly and whispered, "Magnificently return to your original story." Then, I quickly touched Merlin on the hand and whispered the same because I knew he would start looking for Arthur any minute.

I knew that I would now have to go back to Merlin's story and make sure that all their memories of their time in this world were as dreams.

Oh, that reminded me! I needed to do the same thing for Hermione. I waited until night and then sneaked into Hermione's bedroom. I didn't bother waking the lady on the door. I didn't want anyone to know what I was doing. So, I simply whispered, "Magnificently," and walked straight through the walls, all the way up to Hermione's bedroom.

I placed a hand on her forehead. "Your time spent in Camelot is magnificently a dream, and that is all," I whispered. She sighed and turned over. I smiled. "Magnificent," I whispered.

I knelt down on my carpet and pressed the play button on the DVD player. I smiled when Merlin appeared walking down the lane to Camelot. Then, the first night he spent there, I made sure to visit his room once he was asleep. I did the same thing to him as I had done to Hermione. Then, I went to Arthur's chambers and did the same thing to him.

Finally, when I believed I had fixed everything, I whispered my word and tested everything out. I read _The Philosopher's Stone_ , and then I watched the first season of _Merlin_. Both were in their proper orders, with their proper characters. I let out a sigh of relief. I had done it. I was exhausted! Glad that the young woman was not returning until two days later, I made my way to my bedroom and fell asleep in my clothes on top of the covers.

Crossovers always wore me out than any other story. Perhaps it was because I was having to manage two stories at once. Fixing crossovers is almost like trying to cook two separate, but usually similar, meals in one kitchen, which must feed many people, some of whom like one dish, and some of whom like the other, but don't like anything from their disliked meal to touch anything from their liked meal. In other words, it's very tiring.

Matilda woke me up with her tickly whiskers on my face. She told me that I had slept right through to the day the stories were to be picked up. I nodded and thanked her for waking me.

I got up, got a shower, and changed clothes. Then, after breakfast, I found the book and DVD I had fixed. I took both of them, separately, and placed my hands on them. I whispered, "Magnificently," and took them downstairs.

Just as I was about to put them on the shelf ready for pick up, the young woman entered the shop. I smiled at her and handed her the book and DVD. "Are they fixed?" she inquired. I nodded my head. "All is well in both stories," I replied. She smiled and thanked me. Then, she placed a dollar bill on the counter and left. Well, she was not as generous as the boy from a few days ago had been, but she still gave something, and I was grateful.

I had a few more crossovers to deal with that week. Emma Woodhouse was walking the halls of Pemberley, and Elizabeth Bennett found Darcy in Hartfield. That was actually quite a hard fix because the stories were similar in several ways, and were written by the same authour. However, I was able to fix them and return them to their very grateful, and very generous owner.

The next crossover was a rather surprising. It was of _The Lord of the Rings_ , and _The Hunger Games_. I never would have thought to pair those two, but the story kind of made sense. The characters were easier to separate, but there was no less jumping back and forth and juggling two worlds. The owner was extremely grateful, and fairly generous.

I decided that I needed a break. I closed my shop and told Matilda to fetch me only if it was a life or death emergency. She smiled and agreed. She knew that I had not been getting much sleep lately because I had been agonizing over how to fix all the crossovers.

I woke, feeling refreshed, about a day later. After breakfast, and getting dressed, I went to open the shop. Only a few minutes after I had done so, a young man came in with two books. Ugh! Another crossover…

* * *

 **A/N:** I would like to keep this as an ongoing story. Any time I get inspiration for a new topic, I'll add it. Let me know in the comments if you have a particular topic related to fanfiction/fandoms that you would like to see Fabula Figetrix's take on, and or if you would like to see a particular story messed up and then fixed. As always, I try to keep these at a K, or K+ level, so just keep that in mind with your suggestions. Thanks for your feedback! :)


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